Goodbye to Everything That I Knew
by Ronnie and The Professor
Summary: "I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore." Barry looked down, fidgeting with his hands. "You... you're joking, right?" Cisco smiled shakily. This wasn't really happening, was it? Barry must not be feeling okay, or maybe he'd been whammied by some meta-human, or replaced with a robot, or... or anything but this. "You're not being serious. It's just a prank or something, right?"


"I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore." Barry looked down, fidgeting with his hands.

"You... you're joking, right?" Cisco smiled shakily. This wasn't really happening, was it? Barry must not be feeling okay, or maybe he'd been whammied by some meta-human, or replaced with a robot, or... or anything but this. "You're not being serious. It's just a prank or something, right?"

Barry remained silent. He swallowed and turned his face away. Cisco's smile faded; he could feel a lump growing in his throat as his eyes stung.

"I'm sorry, Cisco."

"Why?" Cisco whispered, barely able to get the words out. "What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong. It's..." Barry's lips formed the beginnings of words, only to stop and try again, as if he knew that whatever came out of his mouth would be as lethal as a hand grenade. "For the past few weeks, I... I haven't felt anything for you. I thought it might just be a mistake, or that maybe I was just confused, but... I'm not in love with you anymore, and I can't keep pretending that I am. I'm sorry."

Cisco sat in silence, processing what Barry had just said. The first tears fell as he put his hands on his head, brushing his hair back. His heart felt like it was being pulled apart, torn pieces of futures that would never be, kisses that now would only exist in memory.

"Is there someone else?" Cisco asked. There was no detectable anger or jealousy in his voice, only a somber numbness. "You don't just stop loving someone for no reason. Is it Iris?"

Barry brought his hand to the back of his neck and looked at Cisco in a way that would never stop hurting.

"I'm s-"

"Don't. Don't say you're sorry. I don't want to hear it." Cisco sniffed and blotted at his eyes with his sleeves. He couldn't help being a little bit angry, but mostly, he was just sad. "I knew this was coming."

"What do you mean?" Barry looked confused, his own eyes tearing up as he looked at Cisco.

Cisco sighed. "One time, after we started dating, I went into Dr. Wells' room and the newspaper article was still up, the one about you vanishing. The one written by Iris West-Allen." He looked up at the ceiling and took in a deep, shaky breath, trying to stop his voice from breaking. "I don't know what I thought would happen, but after we started getting more serious, I checked a few more times, just every other month or so. But her name was always the same: Iris West-Allen. It's always been you and Iris. I was just something for you to waste your time on. A distraction."

"No, Cisco, you were so much more than that. You _are_ so much more than that." Barry said almost pleadingly as tears slipped down his cheeks. "I really did love you. And I still care about you so much. Even if we're not together, you're one of my best friends."

Cisco nodded. "And you're one of mine. It's just, we've been together for almost three years now and... and..." His face contorted with pain and his voice broke into a sob. "I don't know what to do without you!"

He pressed one hand to his forehead, slightly covering his eyes, and cried, his shoulders shaking with each sob. Without thinking, Barry moved next to him and pulled him into a hug. It came naturally after being together for so long.

Barry rubbed circles on Cisco's back and whispered reassurances in his ear. Cisco let the feeling of Barry holding him calm him down as he breathed in Barry's scent.

Then it hit him. This would never happen again, not in the same way. Barry was breaking up with him, and after this conversation was over, they'd be through.

There would be no more lazy Saturday mornings where they just laid in bed and cuddled well into the afternoon, no more battered sneakers piled by the front door, no more papers and folders covering the coffee table while Barry worked on a case, no more listening to Barry sing in the shower while Cisco pretended to use the bathroom mirror, no more anything. Barry would have to move all of his stuff out of Cisco's apartment. Cisco would have to cancel their anniversary reservations at the restaurant they'd always wanted to go to that was so exclusive you had to book a table four months in advance. It was going to be a surprise.

Barry would wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare where he went so fast that time stopped, leaving him by himself, trapped in the speedforce, and there would be no one to hold him and promise him that he'd never be alone. Cisco would go through all their pictures and get rid of any where they did anything more than stand next to each other, even though secretly he'd keep some where they did more, and would only look at them on nights when he'd had too much to drink. Nothing would ever feel the same. Barry's absence would ache in every aspect of Cisco's life.

Cisco's phone went off. He slipped one arm out of Barry's grip to check it.

"There's a meta on fourth avenue." Cisco said after reading the text. "The city needs you."

Barry nodded. He squeezed Cisco then broke away and sighed.

"Will you be okay?" Barry looked at Cisco's face and brushed his hair back.

Cisco shook his head. "No, but I'll figure it out. I'm gonna miss you, Barry."

"I'll miss you, too." Barry wiped tears off his face. "We'll still be friends, right?"

"Of course, dude. Now, go save the day." Cisco pointed at the door. He glanced down, then back up at Barry's face, almost as if trying to memorize it, though he'd already done that long ago.

Barry stood up and walked to the door, stopping with his hand on the knob. "I love you."

Cisco smiled sadly. "Thanks."

Then Barry was gone, leaving only a trace of wind and the sound of a closing door.

Cisco looked around at his empty apartment. Even though Barry's stuff was still in it, he knew it'd be gone by morning. He leaned into the couch and exhaled.

The severed relationship hurt like a severed limb. Cisco let the pain bubble up and spill over the surface. He curled in on himself, hugging his knees to his chest.

Then Cisco cried, because there was nothing else he could do. He cried for everything that he'd lost, everything that he'd miss. He cried knowing that the ache in his heart when he saw Barry would never really go away, even after years of healing. And, he cried because he knew that one day, Barry would be happy and truly in love, but it wouldn't be with him.


End file.
